[Theme Song]
Crashing through the crowded halls,
Dodging girls like ping-pong balls,
Just to reach the Clubhouse on time (Hey! Hey! Hey!)
Leaping over laundry piles,
Diapers you can smell for miles,
Pets gotta do what they can to survive!
They're the Loud Pets, They're the Loud Pets!
Duck, dodge, push and shove,
It's how we show our love!
They're the Loud Pets, They're the Loud Pets!
One boy, Twelve pets,
Wouldn't trade it for the world!
Loud! Pets! Loud! Loud Pets!
Title: "Nickelodeon's The Loud Pets"
Duckling: Quack quack.
Based on "The Loud House" Created by Chris Savino
Episode Title: "Lincoln Loud: Pet Guru"
(Opens credits appear on the title screen in the comics)
Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann: "♫ Ohhhhhhhhh... Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin'. Mama's little baby loves short'nin'... ♫" "♫ Breeeeeeeaaaaaad! ♫"
Lincoln: "Very nice, Pets!" [To the viewers] "The Loud Pets and I have a week to start a successful business for class. So we're gonna sell homemade chocolate pie!"
Cliff: "We've never baked before. But how hard could it be? Everybody loves chocolate pie. Clyde's nana says that if they don't, you can't trust them."
Lincoln: [opens the shelf, seeing nothing but...] "What? Empty wrappers. I should have known."
Charles: "It wasn't me! I was with you the whole time."
Lincoln: [closes the shelf] "I know, Charles. It was my sisters. They're well-known chocoholics."
[Flashback to the sisters enjoying the chocolate bars, every single one of them moaning or sighing (or in Lily's case, giggling) with delight. Back to the present.]
Geo: "Well, what are we gonna do? I already rolled out 84 pie crusts!"
Lincoln: "We'll just replace the chocolate with something equally delicious."
[Cut to the business fair where Artie is taking a bite out of one of their pies only to spit it out.]
Artie: [disgusted] "Ugh! What the heck kind of pie is this?"
Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann: "Pepper and Paprika."
Artie: [Sneezes] "Gross!" [puts the pie back and walks away]
Duncan: "I don't get it. It works on potato chips."
Lincoln: "Any other ideas?"
El Diablo: "How about we sell hugs? Clyde's dads say he's an excellent hugger."
Lynn Sr.: [frustrated cleaning the van] "Aw, dang bird poop! Don't you feather-brains have somewhere else to hang out?"
Lincoln: [gets an idea] "Pets, that's it!"
Walt: "Bird poop?"
Lincoln: "We can sell birdhouses!"
Bitey: "Oh! Great idea! But wait. We don't know anything about woodworking."
Lincoln: "Eh, how hard could it be?"
[pounding and whirring' their first birdhouse is shoddily built with popsicle sticks and bandages.]
Izzy: "I can't believe I doubted us."
Lincoln: "Ah! Our first resident!"
[bird chirps, screams, caws away and poops on ruined birdhouse.]
[Lincoln crosses birdhouses off his list.]
Cliff: "How about we sell smiles? Clyde's dads say he's have a million-dollar smile." [smiles]
Lincoln: "Well..."
[door clicks and thuds.]
Luan: [dressed as a clown, counting money earned.] "98, 99..."
Lincoln: "Whoa! Where'd you get all that money, Luan?"
Gary: "Did you sell...laughter?"
Luan: "Ha! Laughter? It's my pleasure to give that away for free. This is from selling balloon animals. Observe. [She blows a large pink balloon and shapes it into...] "A dog! Now pick up the pace, Fido! It's the leash you can do!" [laughs as she goes upstairs; comes back for a minute.] "No charge."
Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann: "We'll sell balloon animals! How hard could it be?"
[However, it's not as easy as Luan makes it look. Lincoln tries to work on a balloon until it pops.]
Lincoln: "Ah!"
Fangs: "Lincoln! Look professional! We've got a customer!"
Liam: "Uh, I'll take the, uh, cheeseburger?"
Duncan: "It's a bunny rabbit."
Gary: "Hey."
Liam: "Even better!" [whispers] "It's for my pig Virginia."
Lincoln: "You know, Liam, if it's for your pig Virginia, you should get her chocolate. All my sisters love it."
Liam: "Oh, cool! Thanks Lincoln." [runs off]
Hops: "Lincoln, you just lost our only customer."
Lincoln: "Relax, Hops. With this sweet product, there's gonna be plenty more."
[Sometime later, Lincoln, Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann are sleeping while nobody seems to be coming to their stand; Liam comes back.]
Liam: "Hey, Lincoln!"
[Lincoln, Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann wake up in a shock with balloons popping.]
Cliff: "Ah, take cover!"
Liam: "She loved the chocolate! We have a date this Friday!"
Lincoln: "Oh, great! I guess with ten sisters. I've learned a few things about girls."
Ann: "But with thirteen of us pets, you've also learned a few things about us."
Liam: [grabs Lincoln's face] "Oh, don't be so modest. You're like a pet guru." [leaves]
Lincoln: "Pets, I think Liam-" [Picks up Charles] "I think Liam just gave us our next business idea."
Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann: "How hard can it be?"
PET GURU: $1.00 PER QUESTION
Charles: "Step right up and ask the Pet Guru. He's got goods on the kitty cat gals, the facts on the female dogs, the low down on the lady bunny rabbits."
[exotic instrumental music]
Customers: [gasping] "Me! Me!"
Stella: "Oh, Pet Guru. Do you mind if my pet rabbits Snazzy and Jazzy here read your palm of your hands?"
Lincoln: "Sure." [He lets Snazzy and Jazzy reads the palm of his hands]
Snazzy and Jazzy: "Oh, Pet Guru, we're hanging out with the brown rabbit later, and we really want it to go well. What do brown rabbits think it's fun?"
Lincoln: "Hmmm."
[A flashback shows Lincoln in the living room playing video games in a blanket when Lynn approaches.]
Lynn: "Hey, Lincoln. What's more fun than a Canadian microwave? A DUTCH OVEN!"
[She grabs the blanket, wraps herself with Lincoln, and unleashes a fart so big the blanket inflates with them underneath it. Lincoln yells and groans in disgust as Lynn laughs. Back to the present.]
Lincoln: "Dutch ovens."
Snazzy and Jazzy: "Really?"
Gary: [pushes Snazzy and Jazzy away] "The Pet Guru has answered your question, and as you can see, many other pets await his wisdom." [to Lincoln] "You do know what you're doing, right?"
Lincoln: "I don't know. Why don't you ask Liam?"
[Liam and his pet pig Virginia pass by; Virginia, who's chewing on a chocolate bar at the moment, kisses him on the cheek, leaving a heart-shaped chocolate smudge.]
Liam: "Hee-hee!"
Charles: "And that's why you're wearing the robe and I'm wearing the fanny pack. Who's next?"
Rusty: "How am I gonna get a pet to fall for me?"
Lincoln: "Omm..."
[Flashback to Lincoln overhearing Lynn Sr. reading a bedtime story to Lola.]
Lynn Sr.: "And so the young knight returned Princess Taylor to her tower five minutes before curfew, and no one was punished, and everything worked out great. The end. Good night, sweetie."
Lola: [wakes up] "Hey, where do you think you're going? MORE KNIGHT AND HORSEY STORIES!!"
[Back to the present]
Lincoln: "You're going to need a pet horse and a suit of armor."
Rusty: "Oh, thank you, Pet Guru. Thank you. Thank you."
Zach: "Oh, Pet Guru, I like this bat. But she doesn't think I'm good enough for her. How do I change her mind?"
[Flashback to Lisa confiding with Lily about a boy.]
Lisa: "Dylan Cornheiser tried to hold my hand at recess. I told him, 'Learn basic chemistry, and then we'll talk.'"
[Lincoln is listening on the side of the door; flashback ends.]
Lincoln: "Simple. Learn basic chemistry."
Zach: "Oh, man, I stink at chemistry. What about kickball?"
Fangs: [pushes Zach away] "The Pet Guru has spoken."
Lincoln: [speaks to Papa Wheelie] "Nothing makes my sister Lana happier than a frog in her pants." [speaks to Flat Tire] "Take your pet goldfish to a funeral. My sister Lucy swears by it." [speaks to Coach Pacowski] "Roses are fine, but squirting flowers will really make that Kangaroo his day."
Coach Pacowski: [writing that down] "Squirting flowers... make... this kangaroo... his... day. Thanks, Loud. See you in gym."
[Fade to black.]
[Fade back to the Royal Woods Middle School as the bell dings.]
Lincoln: "Pets, our business is killing it! I think we're looking at an A." [spins with Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann] "Worst-case scenario, A minus."
Charles: "Tell me about it. I had to triple up on fanny packs just to hold all the money we made."
Snazzy and Jazzy: [farts]
Brown Bunny: [screams and coughs] "You jerks!"
Snazzy: "But the Pet Guru said you'd love a Dutch oven."
Brown Rabbit: "Maybe you'd love an American wedgie!"
Snazzy and Jazzy: [screams and runs]
Lincoln: "Well, you can't expect advice to work 100 percent of the time." [closes locker with Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann]
[frog croaking and jumping on Joy's head.]
Joy: "Ew, ew, ew, ew! Gross! Get it off!"
Papa Wheelie: "But the Pet Guru said-"
Joy: "Get him, girls!"
Girls: [growling] "Get him!"
[They chase Papa Wheelie across the hall.]
Lincoln: "That is not on us. He must have picked a bad frog."
Cliff: [popping out of a trash can] "Let's just get back to class before they come back."
[Mrs. Johnson's classroom]
Fangs' friends: [Squeaks and flies and chases around Wilbur Huggins]
Wilbur Huggins: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"
Meryl: "Bats are all around the school!"
[Wilbur Huggins tripped and fell down as Fangs' friends lands on his back then he stares at Lincoln, Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann who gulp in response.]
Coach Pacowski: "This is for you, Crikey."
Crikey: "Daisies are my favorite!" [gets squirted] "Ah!" [Kicks Coach Pacowski away] "Crikey no like getting squirted by flowers. Makes me mad!" [Hops away]
Coach Pacowski: "But Crikey, the Pet Guru said-" [points at Lincoln, Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann] Hope you like push-ups, Loud!
Lincoln: "Uh, Mrs. Johnson, can I have the boys' bathroom pass?"
Ann: "And I'll take the girls'."
[They're both running down the hallway.]
Kat: [yells]
[explosion]
Zach: "I was trying to impress you with my basic chemistry skills."
Kat: "You burnt my braids, you doofus!"
Zach: "He told me to do it!"
Kat: "What?"
[Lincoln, Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann laugh nervously and run to the boys' room.]
Gary: "Lincoln, I'm starting to lose feeling in my toes. I think it's a panic attack."
Lincoln: "It's okay. Just breathe into your paper bag."
Gary: [picks up paper bag and gasps] "Mmm. Oops." [chuckles] "Wrong bag. That was my lunch." [switches bags and inhales and exhales sharply.]
[Horse neighs]
Rusty: [wearing a suit of armor] "Whoa, White Lightning, stop! Sadie, do you want to go to the movies?" [picks up Sadie]
Sadie: [screams]
[White Lightning crashes and Rusty's armor flies everywhere.]
Lincoln: "Let me have the bag." [Gary hands it to him and he starts breathing heavily.]
Charles: "Lincoln, we gotta get out of here."
Kat: "The next time I see that Pet Guru, I'll totally destroy him!"
Joy: (Imitating The Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz) "Yeah, and his weird little dog, cat, canary, hamster, frog, bat, rabbit, snake, possum, rat, lizard, duck and skunk too."
[The trash cans sprout legs and move across the hallway; reveal to be Lincoln, Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann hiding in them popping their heads out and seeing their customers groaning in pain; they hide and a girl puts a plastic water bottle in the pets' trash can.]
Duncan: [pops out] "Um, excuse me. That goes in the recycling."
Lincoln: "Duncan, keep it down!"
Student: "Hey! It's them!"
[Lincoln, Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann scream and run for it with their customers shouting indistinctly and giving chase.]
Student: "Stop!"
Lincoln: "Give them their money back." That'll stop them.
[Charles, Cliff, Geo and Walt throws their money.]
Geo: "Here! Take it, you wild animals!"
[The enraged males ignore their refunds, too determined to get back at Lincoln, Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann.]
Lincoln: "Huh, didn't stop them."
Ann: "I know what to do." [stops running and starts spraying skunk smell out of her butt spraying the mob and the whole school]
[The mob coughs and gets teary eyed.]
Ann: "Uh, on second thought, there may not be enough of me to go around." [continues running]
[Later that night at the Loud House, the girls are watching TV until they notice Lincoln, Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann panting and covering the curtains.]
Lori: "Oh, boy. What did you do now, Lincoln?"
Gary: [breathing sharply and moaning]
El Diablo: "We're sorry. It was all a long story."
Duncan: "You see, Lincoln became a pet guru and start giving advices to everybody but it turns out to be wrongs advices and then they started a mob chasing us around and that is why we came back here."
Lincoln: "Um, you wouldn't be interested."
Lola: "Oh, we're interested. Spill!"
Lincoln: "Well, Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling, Ann and I had to start a business for school, so we kind of, uh, charged boys and girls for my advice about pets."
Izzy: "Pets like us."
[A pause; all the girls start laughing.]
Lincoln: "Go ahead; get it out of your systems."
[All the girls still laughing.]
Lincoln: "Are you done now?"
Lori: "Uh... no." [continues laughing with her sisters as Lincoln makes an aside glance at the camera.] "Lincoln, what do you know about pets?"
Lincoln: "Well, I just thought that since I had ten sisters and thirteen pets-"
Luan: "What's true for us isn't gonna be true for every pet. They're not all the same."
Lola: "I'm not like Antoinette."
Lana: "And thank goodness for that." [high fives Lola]
Lynn: "And I'm not like Crikey."
Lucy: "I'm not like Fangs. And besides we all share a same bond."
Lincoln: "Oh, man, you're right. What have I done? I've doled out terrible advice, and now everybody at school hates us. How am I gonna fix this?"
Gary: "Uh, we better figure something out. I'm running out of paper bags."
Lynn Sr.: "A kitchen full of pie? I guess it's ol' Dad's lucky day!" [laughs and takes a bite as his stomach grumbles in nausea.] "Ooh, bad!"
Lincoln: "We went a little overboard on the pepper."
Lynn Sr.: "I'll say. It's an as-pepper on my senses!"
[Rimshot]
Luan: [laughing] "Good one, Dad."
Lynn Sr.: "Ah, sorry, Lincoln. We're just gonna have to toss the whole batch."
Lincoln: "Toss them? That's a great idea, Dad. Pets, we're back in business."
[Dollar sign transition]
Lincoln: [To the viewers] "How hard can it be to start a business? Pretty hard, actually. The key is to find something you're really good at, and it turns out for me that thing is..." [gets hit with a pie] "Taking a pie in the face."
Clyde: "Step right up and get your revenge on the Pet Guru. 2 dollars a pie."
[People start paying Clyde while speaking at once.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Great job, boys! This is a fantastic business idea!"
Clyde: "Thanks, Mrs. Johnson."
Mrs. Johnson: "One pie, please." [pays]
Coach Pacowski: "And two for me." [pays]
Clyde: "You know, we're running a special. Buy four and get the fifth free!"
Coach Pacowski: "Ah, even better." [throws more money] "Heck, I'll take them all!" [cackles]
Lincoln: [worrisome] "Clyde!"
Clyde: "Business is business, Lincoln. Let 'er rip!"
[An iris is about to close on Lincoln, Charles, Cliff, Geo, Walt, Hops, Fangs, Gary, El Diablo, Duncan, Bitey, Izzy, Duckling and Ann but stops; Lincoln gulps and pies splatter on him and the pets and they fall off their seats.]
THE END
(End credits)
Cramped inside this tiny space
May sound bad but ain't the case
In the Loud House
(Loud House)
Duck and dodge and push and shove
That's the way we show our love
In the Loud House
(Loud House)
Laundry piles stacked up high
Hand-me-downs that make me cry
Stand in line to take a pee
Never any privacy
Chaos with 11 kids
That's the way it always is
In the Loud House
"93rd Street Productions"
"Quick to Judge"
"Nickelodeon Productions"
TM Copyright @ 2024 Nickelodeon/Nicktoons/Paramount Plus/93rd Street Productions/Quick to Judge
